


Not Today

by Helenatrix



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, M/M, Spoilers for 115
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-27 20:00:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18198668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Helenatrix/pseuds/Helenatrix
Summary: They say before you die, your life flashes before your eyes.For Levi, that's partially true.What do we say to the god of death?





	Not Today

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very spoiler heavy drabble based on the events of Chapter 115. 
> 
> I don't think Levi is dead. And I don't think he's going to die anytime soon. But that's just my take.   
> I'd love to hear your thoughts.
> 
> The title is inspired from Game of Thrones...the one fandom I love just about as much as SNK.   
> What do we say to the god of death?

It had happened so fast. The explosion that had propelled him into the air, tossing him about like a child’s kite blowing in the wind. He hadn’t had time to curse Zeke, hadn’t had time to even release his gears.Though Levi hated to admit it, he had no one to blame but himself. He had gotten careless, trusting Zeke’s own selfish desires for self-preservation to keep him pinned to the spot. He had underestimated that great ape. And in doing so, he had failed Erwin...again.

So this was what dying felt like. 

A bright white light consumed him, taking away his pain. It was surprising, given the amount of blood he had lost and the flames that had enveloped his body, biting at almost every inch of his flesh. He knew he had been blown apart, that he was missing pieces of himself...fingers, an eye...entire limbs. But now, standing separate from himself in the midst of the light that surrounded him, he was whole. Unblemished. 

He was sure he must be dead. Was this heaven? Hell? Did he even believe in either?

_ Levi.  _

He heard his name. A familiar voice. A voice he hadn’t heard in a while. Years. 

_ Yo, Levi.  _

Levi’s eyes were hazy, but he could still see Kenny stepping through the light, approaching him with a smirk on his face. But this wasn’t the Kenny of his most recent memory. It was the Kenny of his childhood. Handsome, slim, with smooth features and shimmering gray eyes. His wide-brimmed hat sat unstained on his head of thick black hair. 

_ Hey, Kiddo. _

“Kenny,” Levi said his name, and was surprised that despite their past, he didn’t feel any resentment towards his uncle. Not now. Not anymore.

_ Got yerself in a bit of a situation, didn’t ya?  _ Kenny asked, his thin black eyebrows raised. 

Levi shrugged. “I’ve been through worse.”

Kenny smirked.  _ Somehow, I doubt that. You don’t really look so good, bud.  _ Kenny was looking past him, through the bright white light.

Levi followed Kenny’s line of sight, turning around to see a body lying face down in the grass, sprawled near a lake of water.  _ His  _ body. Unconscious. His breath caught in his throat seeing himself laying there, unmoving. He barely even registered Kenny coming up beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

_ Looks like ya mighta lost some fingers there, Kiddo. _

Levi nodded, swallowing hard.

“Am I...dead?” he asked, hating the sound of his own terrified voice as it escaped his trembling lips. 

_ That’s up ta you, I think,  _ Kenny said, his voice surprisingly gentle.  _ But I’d wager ya still have a bit of a fight left in ya.  _

“I...I didn’t keep my promise,” Levi whispered, watching his immobile form being splattered with rain, watching the water rolling red off his deeply gashed face. 

_ Now that doesn’t sound like you, Levi.  _

Levi shook his head. “I failed him.”

_ Not yet, ya didn’t. Ya still have time. _

As Levi turned to look at his uncle, he saw that Kenny was smiling, giving Levi a knowing look.  _ You always had more fight in ya than anyone else I’ve ever seen. Ya just gonna give up now? That’s disappointing… _

“Not like I really have a choice,” Levi grumbled. “How can I fight like that…? I’d be worthless. I’d be a burden.”

_ Somehow I doubt that. Yer an Ackerman. Even on yer worst days, ya’ll never be a burden. _

Levi narrowed his eyes. “Why are you here, Kenny? Why  _ you  _ of all people?”

Kenny’s lips curled in a sneer.  _ You should consider yerself lucky to have me. But ya should know...it ain’t just me.  _

Levi could sense them before he heard their voices. He could feel their presence as they surrounded him, enveloping him in warmth and a feeling of comfort and camaraderie. He hadn’t felt that feeling in a long time.

_ Big Brother!  _

He felt tears stinging his eyes. It couldn’t be…

The ball of energy that was Isabel Magnolia flung itself into his arms, holding onto him and radiating warmth. She was here, she was whole, she was beautiful and happy as she beamed up at him. 

_ Big Brother! I missed you so much.  _

Levi’s eyes widened as Furlan stepped up beside her, sliding a hand over her shoulder.  _ Hey Levi, _ he said with a gentle smile.  _ Long time, no see.  _

“Yea…” Levi nodded. “Yea, it has been.”

_ You’ve changed,  _ Furlan said, watching him with stoic green eyes.  _ Is it all because of...him? _

Levi swallowed hard, his heart clenching in his chest. Hesitantly, he nodded. “It’s always been him…”

_ Even now?  _ Isabel asked, her eyes wide.  _ Even after all these years of him being gone? _

Levi smirked. “Even now.”

_ Are you coming home with us, Big Brother? Will we get to be together again?  _ Isabel’s face shone with happiness, her cheeks flushed with excitement. 

Furlan took Isabel’s hand in his own, twining his fingers with hers.  _ Not yet, Is,  _ he said gently, meeting her eyes with a gentle expression.  _ Not today. _

“You don’t know that,” Levi said, forcing down the tightness in his throat. “It’s up to  _ me _ , isn’t it? I get to choose. I’m  _ tired.  _ I want to rest. _ ” _

Furlan’s eyes dropped as he nodded.  _ I know, Levi. Soon. Only a little longer now.  _

Levi’s hands clenched at his sides. “I don’t want to...go on anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be...without you anymore.”

Furlan’s expression was soft.  _ You’re so strong, Levi. You’re so much stronger than you know. But it’s not time yet. Humanity still needs you. You need to keep your promise.  _

Levi chuckled softly. “Since when do you care about that?”

You  _ care about it,  _ Furlan said softly.  _ You can pretend you don’t, but you do. If you end it all now, you’ll never rest. You’ll regret that choice. I know you don’t want to have any regrets, Levi. I know you want to fulfil that promise.  _

Levi stiffened, turning away from Furlan’s shining eyes to once again gaze over his own broken and bleeding form. It was going to hurt, he knew, going back into that body, submitting to those wounds. He could see, from where he was separated from himself, that his left eye had been blinded by a huge gash running from his forehead to his chin. He would be scarred for the rest of his life...however long that might be. And his hand...his right hand...He felt nauseous looking at what was left. 

_ You’ll never forgive yourself if you give up now, Little Boy.  _

Levi’s heart began fluttering against his ribcage. It couldn’t be…? 

He whirled around with his breath caught in his throat...to see his mother. For the first time in over 30 years. “Mom…” he choked out, feeling his knees buckle. Before he had time to react, his mother had her arms around him, holding him close to her chest. He was taller than her now, fuller than her diminutive, slight form. But seeing her...beautiful and full and whole...Levi felt his strength renewed, his purpose reinvigorated. 

_ You’re so good, baby. You’re so good. You’ve fought so hard. Just a little bit more, ok? Can you give just a little bit more? _

Levi felt tears falling down his face. And with no one around but his mother to see, he allowed them to fall. Together, they sank to their knees, enveloped in each other’s arms. 

_ I’m so proud of you. Of the man you’ve become. Do you know that?  _

Levi felt his own body shaking, trembling in her embrace. He felt her gently caressing his back, soothing him as she often had when he had been a child. 

_ I’m sorry, Levi. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there to protect you. To teach you. But somehow...somehow you did it all on your own. You become so good...all on your own.  _

Levi pulled away from her slightly, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. “I wasn’t always on my own,” he whispered, thinking about them. All of them. 

Kenny, Furlan, Isabel. Mike, Nanaba. His squad. Hange. 

Erwin. 

_ Erwin Smith,  _ his mother breathed.  _ You miss him.  _

He nodded. “Everyday.”

_ He’s still with you. We all are.  _ His mother was reaching out, her hand on his cheek, her eyes filled with sadness.  _ We’re a part of you. We’re waiting for you.  _

“I...I’m so tired,” Levi choked out and his mother nodded, stroking his hair. 

_ I know, baby. I know. But you have a little more to give, don’t you? It’s cruel of this world to ask it of you. But, you still have some strength left, don’t you? You can feel it.  _

“It’s going to be painful,” he whispered. “It’s not going to be easy.”

_ No. It won’t be,  _ his mother said delicately.  _ But, then again, nothing for you has been easy, has it Levi? _

Levi sighed. “Nothing but  _ him _ .” And it was the truth. In this world, only loving Erwin Smith had come easily to him. Only devoting himself to that man had felt seamless, smooth, worthwhile. Living without Erwin was torture. Death seemed so much more of a release. He wasn’t afraid of it anymore. 

_ You were the only thing in my life that meant anything, Levi,  _ his mother whispered.  _ You were my greatest joy, my greatest pride. You brought me purpose, gave me the will to keep on burning brightly when the world wanted to snuff out my light.  _

Levi’s eyes met his mothers, steel meeting steel. Her light  _ had _ been snuffed out prematurely. The world had been so unkind to her, this beautiful woman with eyes so like his. 

“You didn’t...deserve what happened to you,” he whispered, and she smiled gently at him.

_ None of us ever do. But knowing that you were alive, knowing that you would get to live a life I never had, that was more than enough.  _

“How did you know? How did you know that I wouldn’t meet the same fate that you did?”

_ Because when you were born, you didn’t cry, Levi. You came into this world with your eyes wide open, looking at everything, observing, curious. Brave and strong. As you grew, you continued to become someone stronger than me, stronger than I had ever been. You had a fire burning inside you that no would ever be able to drown.  _

“And now?” Levi searched his mother’s face in desperation. 

_ Now, more than ever...you’re better than this world, Levi. It doesn’t deserve your light. But you’ll continue to shine, even in darkness. Because that’s what you were born to do.  _

Tears rolled down Levi’s cheeks, knowing the finality of it all, knowing he would have to go back. Knowing that this world wasn’t finished with him yet. “Will I ever see you again?”

_ Of course, beautiful boy. I’ll be right here waiting for you. We all will be.  _

As Levi looked around, he could see them, all of the comrades he had lost. Mike, Nanaba, Petra, Eld, Gunther, Oruo. Isabel. Furlan. Kenny. And now, Sasha too. And pushing his way up from the back, strode Erwin Smith, wearing a wide smile on his smug, handsome face. 

_ Captain,  _ he said, smirking down at Levi with a glimmer in his shining blue eyes _. I’ve missed you. _

Levi gasped, rising to his feet and approaching Erwin with wide eyes.  _ Erwin? _

When Erwin opened his arms to him, Levi raced towards him, allowing himself to be completely swallowed up in the warmth and comfort that was entirely Erwin Smith. “You got your arm back,” Levi whispered, nuzzling into Erwin’s chest. 

_ And you’ve lost yours, it seems. _

“The irony isn’t lost on me, Erwin,” Levi growled, unwilling to pull away.

Erwin chuckled.  _ I didn’t imagine it would be. _

_ “ _ My face is all fucked up now…” Levi said gruffly. 

_ You’re still beautiful to me.  _

Levi rolled his eyes. “Shut up, Erwin.”

Levi felt Erwin’s chest rising and falling, the soft vibrations of his laughter. He never wanted to let him go. Now that he had him back, he was terrified. Terrified that he might not be able to do what he had to do, to do what was necessary. 

“The fucker didn’t die, Erwin. I know it. I know he’s still alive.”

As Levi turned his eyes up to meet Erwin’s, he could see agreement etched over Erwin’s face.  _ No,  _ he said.  _ I’m afraid he didn’t die.  _

“I failed you. Again.”

Erwin peered down at him with soft eyes and slipped a hand under his chin.  _ You have never failed me, Levi. Never. Not once. Not today.  _

Levi’s hands clenched tight on the fabric of Erwin’s jacket as he willed himself to stay strong. “I...don’t want to lose you again…” he managed to choke out. 

Erwin’s face softened, his eyes shining with vibrancy and sadness.  _ I’m always with you, Levi. _

At those words, Levi felt anger rising to the back of his throat. His eyes narrowed as he pulled away from Erwin.  “Fuck that...It’s bullshit and you know it. You’re not with me. Not really. I can’t touch you. I can’t talk to you, hold you, fuck you. I...want those things. I want you. I want to be with you. Really be with you.”

Erwin nodded.  _ I know. I’m sorry, Levi. I’m so sorry to put this on you. To ask you to sacrifice so much. Again. But there is no one else I can trust.  _

Levi felt his chest clench tight. He couldn’t maintain that eye contact, so intense as it was. A choked gasp escaped his throat as he forced the tears from his eyes. 

_ You know that your vow to me...is so much more than killing the Beast, don’t you?  _ Erwin’s words triggered Levi’s wet eyes to scan back upwards to his face. 

“The fuck are you talking about, Erwin?”

_ Your vow. It’s about so much more than killing Zeke. It’s about doing whatever it takes to ensure humanity’s survival. Fulfilling the dream we both shared.  _

“Fuck humanity,” Levi growled. “I don’t give a shit about any of that!”

_ That’s not true, is it? You still think it pertinent to try to lie to me, even after all this time? After all we’ve been through? _

“You have no idea what I’ve been through. What it’s been like without you…” Levi wasn’t sure why he was so angry, but he couldn’t contain it any longer. With Erwin here in front of him, about to leave again, he couldn’t hold it down. 

_ You’re right _ .  _ I don’t know what it’s been like. It’s an enormous burden I’ve placed on your shoulders. It’s not fair.  _

_ “ _ You’re damn right, it’s not fair!” Levi spat. “What more do you want from me, Erwin? You’ve taken just about all there is! The only thing you don’t want...is my life...the one thing I want to give…”

Before he could fight him off, Levi was enveloped by the strong arms of Erwin Smith, pulled close to his broad chest.  

_ Levi. My Levi. Do you know how much I love you? You’re humanity’s hope. And you’re mine. You always have been. I love you still...so much more than you could ever know. Will you ever forgive me? _

Levi felt himself melt into that touch, trembling all over. He nuzzled his face into Erwin’s chest, basking in his warmth and the scent that was entirely Erwin’s alone. “You fucking idiot...of course I forgive you. You...you’re everything to me.” It was the truth. Erwin was like the sun, like oxygen. Like sustenance, like shelter. 

_ Do you still...love me?  _

Looking up into Erwin’s eyes, Levi could detect some apprehension. It was odd...to see that expression on the face of a ghost. 

“I’ll always love you, Erwin. There’s never been anyone but you. Not for me.”

Then, Erwin’s lips were on his, soft and gentle, but also desperate and hungry. He felt himself pulled deeper and deeper into Erwin, absorbed and consumed completely. All pain, all fear, all longing...it was all gone, replaced by Erwin. As Erwin’s hands stroked his face, as Erwin’s tongue parted his lips, Levi remembered….remembered what it was like to feel purpose. 

_ I love you, Levi.  _

And just like that, Levi was thrust back to the harshness of his current reality. The bright white light that had surrounded him was now replaced by a dull, gray mist as cold raindrops fell to pelt his body where it lay face down in the grass. 

He was alive. He knew it because of the pain that seared through him like a wildfire. He was on fire. His body felt like he’d been stepped on by a titan and then set alight with flame and gasoline.

But though he was in agony, he found he couldn’t move. It was as if he was trapped in his own body, like a bird trapped inside a cage. He was broken, blind, weak, immobile. Was he breathing? He had to be… Was his heart beating? It had to be…

He could faintly hear voices at his side. A woman’s low voice, tinged with pain and desperation...and...determination…

He heard his name. He felt himself being wrapped in a warm, solid embrace. Someone was holding him, protecting him. 

Then, after a moment, the same low feminine voice whispered in his ear, “You’ll be ok, Levi. I’ve got you. You’re going to be ok.”

_ Hange _ . 

How did she get to him? Who was she with? There was a twinge of fear in her voice, a strain that indicated her discomfort, her tense uneasiness. She was surrounded by enemies. But still, she held Levi close.

“Not today, Levi. Do you hear me? Not today. Don't you dare leave me too.”

Levi lulled in and out of consciousness, all the while feeling Hange’s arms around him. As the earth seemed to rattle and the sky broke open, and shouts and screams rang out around them, Levi felt grounded and safe in Hange’s arms. It was as if Erwin had sent her to him...he allowed himself to fade in her arms.

It was only after he was submerged underwater that he realized what was happening…

He allowed himself to be dragged along, helpless to assist as they struggled through the rapids of the flowing river. He could faintly hear shouts, could feel bullets reigning down and splattering the water around them, only narrowly missing. Still, he fluctuated, faded, his eyes fluttering, going blind. 

He could feel Hange struggling beside him, desperately holding onto him with all her strength. “Hold on, Levi. Hold on.” Her voice was firm yet strained, filled with determination as strong as her hold on him. He knew he was a dead weight in her arms, but she never complained, never stopped moving. 

As the flowing current of the river assisted in their escape, Levi could sense that their pursuers were falling behind. Soon, they would be safe...or as safe as they could be in this cruel world. He had so little strength. Everything hurt. He could barely see. And yet, being near Hange, being close to her, he felt a sense of peace. 

Eventually, after some nondescript amount of time, Levi felt his body being pulled up along the bank of the river, out of the water and into the chilly air. He shivered in the cold, his entire body trembling as Hange pulled him into her arms. 

“Hange…” he whispered, and through his left eye, he could see her smile. 

“You’re still in there, aren’t you?” A tear rolled down her cheek. “You’re going to be ok. We’re going to stop them, do you understand? We’re going to make them pay for what they did. Death can’t have you, Levi. Not while I’m here. Not today. Do you understand?”

Levi couldn’t respond. He closed his eyes, wrapped in the warmth of Hange’s body. 

As he faded into a dreamless sleep, he remembered their faces, the pride reflected in all of their expressions. He remembered Erwin most of all. 

_ I love you, Levi.  _

He wouldn’t die. Not today. He lived only to fulfill that vow, and for that vow, he had been spared. Only after he kept his promise would he be at peace. Only after that point would he be able to rest. So be it.

He would not succumb to death. Not today. 

**Author's Note:**

> I really wanted to bring together all the people who had an effect on Levi's life, to really show what he's been living for and what he is now living for. 
> 
> I'm feeling angsty (again...big surprise) and wanted to share in the angst. Please let me know what you think!


End file.
